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are these your keys?

I am having such a hard week. 

My idea of blogging for a bit as reflection at the end of each school day has (obviously) not been happening, and I hope to start it again. That said, it is not the end of a school day. It is 20 minutes before the bell rings in the morning right now. 

I am feeling: frustrated (that things aren’t going my way). Like a failure (that it is my fault things aren’t working better in my classroom). Overwhelmed (so many ideas from different places that I don’t know where to start). 

All of this comes to a head when I think of The Big Thing: I said yes when they asked if they could move a severely troubled child with behavior problems into my classroom. I said yes because I felt for the kid – I said yes because the sales pitch flattered me – I said yes because it wasn’t working where he was and I wanted him to have a chance.

But I regret it. Because even though I think things are significantly better for this child in my classroom, they are significantly worse for the other 28 students. And that is upsetting and overwhelming for me and I feel helpless. And angry with myself. 

Did I set myself up for another year of constant trials? Another year of feeling like I can never get a handle on things because of behavior issues from special needs students? Another year of letting everyone down every day? 

This week I am feeling like I don’t know how to handle it. Outside of school things are a factor as well – it was my son’s birthday, and I missed him that day so much I may have done some crying when no one was in the room with me (next year I’ll take that day off – last year it was on a weekend).  It’s my anniversary today, which isn’t a problem – but it does serve as a reminder that the balance I wish I had is very far out of my grasp right now. 

I love feedback and help from my principal and other teachers and I have been making a real point of reaching out more. This week I have gotten a lot of ideas from great people, but instead of being thankful for it (which I’m sure I will be eventually) I am stuck on (1) wondering how terrible a teacher they know/assume I am and (2) super overwhelmed to the max by how I could incorporate things into what already feels like a schedule I am falling behind in.

I haven’t done science in two weeks! I intended to launch a real Writers Workshop but I’ve been fighting all year to find a spot in my schedule for it outside of Daily 5 Work on Writing time. 

I just want to lay down and take a long nap. And then wake up and have two days to work in my room — replanning, leveling and organizing my classroom library (which is ATROCIOUS right now, I am so embarrassed). I want a break from being so needed and I mostly want a break from not being able to meet all those needs.

Is it always going to be like this? 

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